Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hey! Fourth Post

Hey guys.

Today I had a really bad start. I couldn't sleep last night due to some racing thoughts and I couldn't wake up for school on time, so I didn't go today. I felt super lazy, super un-motivated as I was very tired, but I pushed myself. Unfortunately I didn't push myself much. I didn't do much of anything productive today, but at least I am sleeping early at this time, and did few school work. Whenever I oversleep like this, I just have the most laziest, hangover-like feeling. I keep sleeping and sleeping and am so immersed in my dreams one after the other. This is why I have missed uncountable days of school. Do you guys ever get this? The feeling of hangover after oversleeping and/or doing nothing all day? The mental state where you just keep wanting to sleep over and over for some reason? Or making bad decisions such as staying up even though you know it is a bad idea?

But I am doing better. I feel good right now, bought a few things for Cyber Monday and some Black Friday things coming in. I bought a gaming mouse, a mousepad, some earphones, and some clothes. What did you guys do on Black Friday/Cyber Monday? Hope it all worked out for you guys.

I'm going to go sleep now. This was a rather quick update and post, but hope I'll chat with a few of you guys. See you later!

P.S. Hmm, I'll decide to say this too to get it off my mind. I feel really bad because my group presentation has been delayed 3 days already due to my repeated absences.. I feel as if everyone looks down on me. My teacher even asked me if I was sure I wouldn't be absent anymore. I feel really bad and feel like I disappointed people. This adds on to why I can't sleep at night.

Another thing is I'm broke right now so I borrowed some money from my mom for Black Friday shopping and Cyber Monday shopping. But I asked for another 25$ for a set of earphones that are discounted 75$ off, but she went through this speech and I believe almost teared. She sounded like I didn't know what I was doing, that I was spending money like crazy, that I was telling her I would pay her back but probably would never find a job, etc. It just hurts that my mom cannot trust me or lend me money. I feel bad almost asking for just 11$ (I ended up not buying those earphones as they ran out of stock) for these other earphones discounted 45$ off. But I am borrowing money, that is all. It's the holidays right? What do you guys think about this? Am I doing anything wrong? She complains about me not going to school or finding work yet, but I told her I'm going for an interview this weekend. I guess the best thing to do is to PROVE her I can pay her back by getting the job and paying her back everything huh? Damn, that sounds like a perfect idea. That helped get a lot off my shoulders, my mind, and my chest. What I'll do is pay her back and show her, rather than talking about doing it and worrying until then. Time to just borrow these 11$ from her, I think she'll be okay with that.

Thanks for listening again guys, much respect.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Hey Everyone - Third Post

I'll start off saying Happy Thanksgiving and Black Friday everyone! Hope you all had a good one!

I want to say something to get some things off my mind, and perhaps ask you guys a question.
I'm not sure if fellow schizophrenics can feel the same as me, but it's very hard to concentrate. I get these racing thoughts, whether they be paranoid delusions or not, and its very hard to focus on school work. I can't find a remedy for this besides smoking cigarettes, which is a remedy for a lot of my schizophrenic symptoms. Sadly I've fallen into addiction. It's very hard to quit, and when I do quit, my symptoms cannot be handled as well despite the medicine I am taking. I try to read a book for class but I am thinking about a hundred things at once, it is very hard for me to focus in school right now.

I was once a smart and academic student. I've taken some AP classes and usually passed years with B's and A's. Now I have a few F's and I am truant for attendance. I'm on the verge of dropping my harder classes. I just want to ask you guys, what do you guys do to focus on something? How do you guys focus on a task you guys do not want to do? I'd rather not google this because I want experience from real people, especially people who suffer from the same or similar diseases as me.

Man, writing this out really did take some stress away to be honest. It's marvelous how writing can help someone out. I would recommend you all to start a blog, but obviously most of you do have a blog already. If not, try it out. It REALLY gets things off your mind which helps you handle stress and anxiety (something I have a lot of).
But that's all for now, I have a busy day with a lot of schoolwork. Thanks for reading this and thanks for any recommendations you guys have. I'll be on my way now, everyone have a good Saturday!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Happy thanksgiving!

I am making a rather quick post. Happy thanksgiving to you all! I hope you guys enjoyed your day.

As for me, I did good today. Being around family, that although doesn't support me, kept my mind quiet. I felt like the odd one out or the black sheep. "hey I heard you have mental problems.." hurt. But all in all, I had fun.

Im thankful for a lot of things, and you guys should be thankful for not having a condition such as me, but I am thankful it won't get any worse.

Thank you to all, I hope you ate up, and get ready for black Friday shopping!!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

First Post

It's 12:57 AM right now. Just took one of my Abilifly. I thought I'd make a post to start off and see if anyone does care, and I guess either way I can feel better saying what's on my mind.

Right now I'm about to sleep but I'm addicted to cigarettes so I'm up. I started smoking cigarettes because I read that it helped schizophrenia, and, at times, it does. I would go outside to have one then fall asleep but I'm too paranoid right now. I have a lot of enemies and even though I'm positive they will not happen to show up by the main road where I smoke, and even though I'm positive no one will probably hurt me (I bought a pepper spray to feel a little less paranoid), it still drives my mind crazy. I look over my shoulder and I can't really control it. When I go home, all I'll think about are ghosts and robbers. It's safer if I just stayed inside, and that's what I'm going to do. Writing this helped reinforce my decision. It's a battle with every-day-things with schizophrenia. I am taking medication and just recently got a bigger dosage so I'm not the best right now. I have been much worse, but now I'm better. For example, I probably would have went outside, had an episode, had crazy racing thoughts, and couldn't fall asleep until way later.

Damn, writing it out does help. It's crazy, for any of you with problems or things on your mind writing it out does help. I remember when I had a close friend and I talked to him out about some problems I have with my enemies who are out to get me, and it made me a whole lot less paranoid.

Well, thanks for listening if anyone did. I don't know where I can find views, but if you read it could you at least drop a comment to let me know someone read it? That way I can be actively talking to someone about my problems on this website and I can work my way to defeat schizophrenia. Also, if anyone with schizophrenia needs any questions or advice, I'll try my BEST to answer them.
Thanks again. Have a good day.


Hey guys. I am not asking for donations for my medicine or any of that thing, but just someone to hear me out and maybe talk to me. Let me first introduce myself. My name is John and I'm a 17 year old boy. I have been and currently am receiving medication for schizophrenia for a little on a year, but have been battle schizophrenia for over a few years.  I'm not going to be blogging about my day, but about things that come to mind about schizophrenia, episodes, or my past and on-going struggles.

I made this blog to do a two things.
First of all, I want to talk about my problems openly. My psychiatrist said to find people to talk to. Sadly I lack the close friends and family, so I hope I can attract some people towards my struggle with the world. Most of my friends think I'm weird after I've told them what goes on in my life every day and night. And A LOT of my friends have just happened to stray away after I had the talk. I just want people to hear me out, because it really does help me.

Second of all, I want to reach out to every kid or adult that is beginning to get schizophrenia to believe that together we can defeat this mental disease. Hopefully those under full-blown schizophrenia can do the same. Perhaps my fellow schizophrenics can understand that we all have a beautiful mind and we can do what we need to do if we focus on it.

Thanks to all, and if you are not interested in reading or talking to me, can you at least spread it to someone who does? Again I'm not asking for money. Thanks guys for your support, concern, and love.