Wednesday, November 23, 2011

First Post

It's 12:57 AM right now. Just took one of my Abilifly. I thought I'd make a post to start off and see if anyone does care, and I guess either way I can feel better saying what's on my mind.

Right now I'm about to sleep but I'm addicted to cigarettes so I'm up. I started smoking cigarettes because I read that it helped schizophrenia, and, at times, it does. I would go outside to have one then fall asleep but I'm too paranoid right now. I have a lot of enemies and even though I'm positive they will not happen to show up by the main road where I smoke, and even though I'm positive no one will probably hurt me (I bought a pepper spray to feel a little less paranoid), it still drives my mind crazy. I look over my shoulder and I can't really control it. When I go home, all I'll think about are ghosts and robbers. It's safer if I just stayed inside, and that's what I'm going to do. Writing this helped reinforce my decision. It's a battle with every-day-things with schizophrenia. I am taking medication and just recently got a bigger dosage so I'm not the best right now. I have been much worse, but now I'm better. For example, I probably would have went outside, had an episode, had crazy racing thoughts, and couldn't fall asleep until way later.

Damn, writing it out does help. It's crazy, for any of you with problems or things on your mind writing it out does help. I remember when I had a close friend and I talked to him out about some problems I have with my enemies who are out to get me, and it made me a whole lot less paranoid.

Well, thanks for listening if anyone did. I don't know where I can find views, but if you read it could you at least drop a comment to let me know someone read it? That way I can be actively talking to someone about my problems on this website and I can work my way to defeat schizophrenia. Also, if anyone with schizophrenia needs any questions or advice, I'll try my BEST to answer them.
Thanks again. Have a good day.


  1. if you are interested in reading my blog please take it with a grain of salt. I have not really finished either post. The passwords are Hello world! just as the title and neurosis. The second one, with the neurosis password is very disorganized and incomplete and unedited but I'd still appreciate feedback if you feel like it, and/or have any suggestions.

  2. I'll check it out since it relates to me. Thanks for reading, it means a lot.

  3. Hi. I don't have schizophrenia, but I decided to check out your blog because I'd like to be a listener for you. I'll tell more people about it so that you can get more views and support :)

    Again, I don't have schizophrenia, but you're right about how talking about what bothers you helps a lot. Hey, I'm 17 too. If you ever need to chat, I could give you my Facebook, Twitter, or MyYearbook. Let me know if you're interested. I'll check out your blog regularly to see how you're doing too. I'll bring more viewers too.

    Peace and Love!

  4. Thanks ALOT anonymous. It means a lot! And I would rather not spread out my Facebook.. A lot of people avoid me and stuff in real life and I'd rather not spread out my information anymore.. But I appreciate it and I hope it's okay to talk on here. Thanks ALOT again, it really makes me feel good someone cares and someone will listen for sure.

  5. Okay, I understand completely, and it's perfectly fine if we talk on here. You can call me Mercedes, that's my name. You don't have to give me yours if you don't want to.

  6. Nice to meet you, it's John! Thanks for coming here to talk, I hope we can become friends! I replied to your other comment as well.

  7. Hi John:

    I think this is a wonderful idea, for you to reach out to people, and not isolate yourself...:)

    My 21 year old daughter has Schizophrenia and Bipolar. She has not yet accepted this, and she is currently back in the hospital.

    One day at a time, and lots of prayers. I'll stay in touch.

  8. Hi Liza316

    Thanks! I thought this would be the best way since I don't have much people to talk to in person or to make much friends.

    Sorry to hear, for a while I did not accept it either. I am receiving treatment for Schizophrenia but I also might have Bipolar. I hope she is doing well, because this disease can be defeated. I hope everything will turn out the best for you.

    Thanks a lot for reading and commenting, good luck to you.

  9. Hello Liza316. Ok first off, saying you have a daughter tells me you are older than me D: Let me introduce myself, my name is Nick. I read your comment right now and I am dying to talk. I had a VERY severe bipolar disorder, and I know everything about it. What it is, what it does to you, how hard it is and so on. I wrote about this on this blog's third post just in case you want to read more. You see, I had bipolar for three years, three years ago,and now, I've been all good for since 2008.I thought you can ask me some questions that could help because i know how hard it is living with it..

    thank you and bai :]

  10. Hi Khron1c,
    i am venkat, i saw Beautiful Mind film and from there comes to know about this disease and searched few things in youtube and end up in your blog. First of all nice blog.And i feel nice to talk to One Beautiful Mind. I really appreciated your Hope. Get well Soon.

  11. Hi Venkat,

    Yeah, it is a beautiful movie. It gives me inspiration. Thank you a lot, I try my best to work out. It is nice to talk to people out of the United States. I hope everything goes well for you too! Thanks for the comment.

  12. Hello John,

    I came across your blog from a youtube video and I'm really happy to read your posts and the comments of people who are battling schizophrenia. I do not have schizophrenia, but I've always been very interested in knowing more about the Human brain. I have just read 2 of your posts so far, I'm following you now and I will keep coming back here for sure because I want to know more, and also talk and interact with you so that I get a better perspective on the situation.

    I also write a lot of stories related to mental illnesses, so researching the topic is my focus, at the same time I do wish to try and make a change in the society regarding mental illnesses.

    Well!I am an Indian, and mental illnesses are not treated with respect in my country. That needs to be changed.

    I hope you can enlighten me more about your world and your life.

    Have a good day,



  13. Janaki,

    Thanks man. You should take a class in Psychology or Sociology if you are interested! Thanks for following and reading man, it helps a lot. and I'm glad to help you out too.

    Oh really? Ask me any questions you want, long or short, I'll be sure to respond and help you out! I live in California and I just turned 18.

    I see, that is bad in India. A lot of countries in the Asia area do not treat mental patients good either.

    I'm enlightened I can learn from you too, from your walk of life.

    Have a good day too,

  14. hi, i have a son who shows signs of schizophrenia, his most obvious symptoms are audio, very bothersome to him, he is doing well right now, taking meds he has just changed from seroqual to olanzapine, and he has been taking sleeping pills the name escapes me starts with a zop..., he has had real trouble sleeping for quite a few years, he is 20 now, and i believe when i look back at it he has shown signs since he was around 16, he was into smoking pot heavily but since he became aware and with my encouragment has quit that. His meds are helping him sleep better, but make him quite tired, he dream is to be a personal trainer, and he has lost alot of weight since he was 17, by working out hard, with weights running etc. i am trying as a mom to be as supportive as possible, for the last 2 years anyway. Its been a hard couple of years, and i hope that in time he will be able to fullfill his dreams of finishing school and getting his certification, to becoming a personal trainer, I will try and show him your blog and maybe he can read and talk with you since you are willing to share your experiences with other youth who suffer. My prayers are with you in your struggles, momma hugs as well, i have solace in believing that all the suffering we go through in life teach us something you cant learn in school, experience is learning, and lead to our life purpose, we cant choose what our creator has in mind for us. I have this in mind as i try to support my son. Sorry to go on and on, but i have been looking for someone whom i can discuss this experience with, share my experience as a mom, and maybe get advice from someone who is experiencing. A mom

  15. Anonymous,

    I see. Your son sounds much exactly like me.. I have also tried seroquel but not Zyprexa like him. I believe that's the name. I have been taking sleeping pills too called Ambiens, and I was smoking pot too. That is good, but it makes me quite tired as well!

    I hope he becomes a personal trainer and I wish everything works out perfectly for you, your son, and your relationship with your son.

    Thank you for your prayers, it means a lot for you to come here, read, support me, and share your experiences. It's okay to go on and on, I love to read.

    If you need anything, you can let me know. My mom is in a similar situation as you, and I am in a similar situation as your son. I hope you the best,


  16. I read ya buddy, I read all of your posts. My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic, but he is my half brother, much older than me (so we were never raised together, plus we have different mothers), and I haven't seen or talked to him in over 20 years. I keep up with him thru my half sister, though. She lives in the same town as I do (in Alabama), but Michael (that's his name) is her full brother. She rarely speaks to him either, though. I am 32. He is 48. I think about him often, and what all he goes thru. I do know he lives with his mother, who is a drug addict and very bad off-that is the main reason my sister doesn't go visit him more, and why I never see him. Anyway....short story long (so sorry), I get it, I get you, and I find you incredibly brave and awesome. Keep up the writing, I'll keep up the reading!

  17. Hy, I have the Schizophrenia, depression and Paranoid disorder... I'ts started two years ago, I've started daydreaming about certain things and it turned out that I can't stop my thoughts, it keeps running like a rollercoaster and tellinng me what would happen in the future or "This is all your fault." kind of things.

    then it's get worse around july 2012 when I had this suicidal thoughts, it kepp telling me of how I should end my life 'cause I'm worthless, world wouldn't need me. I tried to keep those things hidden cause people around me didn't understand what the heck happened to me, people hate me cause I'm too emotionless to them or simply told them the harsh truth that they didn't want to hear. They said I'm too cruel when telling them the truth. they said you better shut up or you'll hurt people by saying anything then I was like "They're right, if they didn't befriend me in the first place, they won't hurt because of me. I'm simply too sharp to them, better get the fuck off." its wha I was thinking up until now

    I'm scarred to show my own feelings with anyone cause I don't trust my mouth (words) and I kept searching source of happiness when it backfired at me, people will keep way from me cause I'm a "freak" they don't understand me so it's their loss, I kept testing people if they would stay with me longer than a month. in fact, no one even made out of it for the first week. I test them cause I need a friend not attention whore. even on my birthday (this is true), none of my friends show up to cheer me up, it's simply depress me more.

    my friend won't even visit me, and I thought it was my fault to not pays better attention on them

    and someday, it's turned out to be a little misunderstanding on my part, I felt guilty and my minds kept remindng me "What a loser, better die already, you only hurt someones dear to you." or something like that.

    I'm still fifteen BTW.