Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hey! Fourth Post

Hey guys.

Today I had a really bad start. I couldn't sleep last night due to some racing thoughts and I couldn't wake up for school on time, so I didn't go today. I felt super lazy, super un-motivated as I was very tired, but I pushed myself. Unfortunately I didn't push myself much. I didn't do much of anything productive today, but at least I am sleeping early at this time, and did few school work. Whenever I oversleep like this, I just have the most laziest, hangover-like feeling. I keep sleeping and sleeping and am so immersed in my dreams one after the other. This is why I have missed uncountable days of school. Do you guys ever get this? The feeling of hangover after oversleeping and/or doing nothing all day? The mental state where you just keep wanting to sleep over and over for some reason? Or making bad decisions such as staying up even though you know it is a bad idea?

But I am doing better. I feel good right now, bought a few things for Cyber Monday and some Black Friday things coming in. I bought a gaming mouse, a mousepad, some earphones, and some clothes. What did you guys do on Black Friday/Cyber Monday? Hope it all worked out for you guys.

I'm going to go sleep now. This was a rather quick update and post, but hope I'll chat with a few of you guys. See you later!

P.S. Hmm, I'll decide to say this too to get it off my mind. I feel really bad because my group presentation has been delayed 3 days already due to my repeated absences.. I feel as if everyone looks down on me. My teacher even asked me if I was sure I wouldn't be absent anymore. I feel really bad and feel like I disappointed people. This adds on to why I can't sleep at night.

Another thing is I'm broke right now so I borrowed some money from my mom for Black Friday shopping and Cyber Monday shopping. But I asked for another 25$ for a set of earphones that are discounted 75$ off, but she went through this speech and I believe almost teared. She sounded like I didn't know what I was doing, that I was spending money like crazy, that I was telling her I would pay her back but probably would never find a job, etc. It just hurts that my mom cannot trust me or lend me money. I feel bad almost asking for just 11$ (I ended up not buying those earphones as they ran out of stock) for these other earphones discounted 45$ off. But I am borrowing money, that is all. It's the holidays right? What do you guys think about this? Am I doing anything wrong? She complains about me not going to school or finding work yet, but I told her I'm going for an interview this weekend. I guess the best thing to do is to PROVE her I can pay her back by getting the job and paying her back everything huh? Damn, that sounds like a perfect idea. That helped get a lot off my shoulders, my mind, and my chest. What I'll do is pay her back and show her, rather than talking about doing it and worrying until then. Time to just borrow these 11$ from her, I think she'll be okay with that.

Thanks for listening again guys, much respect.


  1. I found your blog through a youtube comment, and I just want to say that I am inspired by your reaching out. I do not have schizophrenia, but am learning about it in a class. As we have been discussing symptoms and etiologies in class, I appreciate just how much you and others have to go through simply to get through the day. In addition, there is a severe lack of understanding, and poor portrayals of this disorder in the media. Stay patient, stick with your therapy, stay hopeful.

    I think you have found that you aren't alone, and I hope that this blog will supplement some of the support you are not receiving currently.

    PS: I don't know much about your situation with mom, but it sounds as if her complaining is coming from a place of worry - you are her son, and she wants you to succeed...perhaps its just coming across in the wrong way? Your family shares your experience to a certain point, it might be that she is trying to wrap her head around what your going through...

    stay tough, you can do it!

  2. Hello:) I also found this blog through your youtube comment. I'm a psychology student, just starting, since my goal is to help people like you with this battles I'd like to learn, not only as a future professional but as a fellow human how this affcets you, see what helps and what doesn't, remember, you and your therapist are a team, you must tell them if there is something you don't like about how he or she is handling the situation. I think this is really hard on your mom too, I'm sure she loves you and just doesn't know what she should do or say. I'm glad you found writing helps, keep doing it. I's better than cigarettes ;)

  3. Bella,

    Thanks. Yeah, it is ALOT to go through the day. Im surprised how I do it now that you mention it. Yeah, everyone thinks I'm crazy so it's hard to talk to people. Thank you.

    I think she is worrying about how I might become a heavy spender and am too glamorized by money. She doesn't understand there are sales so I'm spending a lot without a job. I really don't know why she is worrying. I guess I will ask her. Thanks for the insight.

    Thanks again, I know I say it a lot, but its because I really mean it. Good looking out and have a nice day.

  4. Hello DoDo14,

    Yes, I believe I should try harder with my therapist. Thanks for that.. now I will see him more than before. I'm reluctant to go. That's true, my mom does really love me. Thanks ALOT for the read and advice man, I will be sure to see my therapist more. And good luck with your studies! I hope I help somehow! Haha! Thanks!

  5. I don't think there's anything wrong in borrowing money from your parents. It's holidays and you are just 17 and you are battling an illness! In India, thank god, it's never too late for us to borrow money from our parents, if they have it that is.

    John, I think you are being too harsh on yourself. Being late with that assignment and not wanting to upset your teachers and your mom and family etc. The one person you should not upset right now is yourself! Take good care of yourself and keep yourself happy, let others deal with what upsets them, you don't bother with all that. Don't simply add on your stress levels.

    You come across as a really sweet guy John, and do you know what the problem with this world is? This world attacks those who are sweet and vulnerable! The more you feel guilty about something, the more the world will try to pull you down in that grief. Don't let that happen to you.

    You said that family and others you interact with sometimes comment on you and that it hurts you, it happens to me as well.
    It hurts you more because you are sensitive and an emotional person.

    Just adopt the "Care a damn attitude" to such comments. Ignore them.

    John I'm sorry if my tone appears to be harsh..., but I'm just talking to you as I would have told my best friend if someone was being nasty to her or that she was feeling low about some comments.

    Please let me know if you would like me to speak in a more polite, softer tone. I could do that. But I have a question, do you prefer people behaving differently with you, or would you like them to be the way they are with everyone else? What do therapists say about this? Please let me know, so that if I'm making a mistake , I wouldn't repeat it.

  6. Hi Janaki,

    Nice talking again. Oh haha! I feel better about it now.

    Am I being too harsh on myself? I am just a perfectionist sometimes.. That is very true. Okay I will do that. Thank you that helped a lot man. I don't know how to repay you.

    I see. That is very true. I just need to keep my barrier up and only let friends and family in close.

    I will adopt that attitude and keep my barrier up.

    You are not harsh, your tone is teaching and blunt. I like it because it helps. You can continue to talk about it and don't even have to worry.

    I like people behaving the way they would behave to anyone else. That's why I don't tell people that I know that I have schizophrenia. Because people do not understand it and the media portrays it bad, they will treat me different. I only tell my family and my closest friends, but not my other friends. Maybe one day I will tell them, but I don't want to be treated any differently than anyone else. I need to be a man in this world, you know, and defeat this disease!

  7. PS, oh, and I'm not sure what therapists say about it, but they say expressing yourself is good.


  9. Hey, found your blog via YouTube. I'm interested in reading your blog because I'm hoping it will help me understand my husband better. He was diagnosed with psychosis. He lives in denial of it. He tends to hallucinate and is sometimes delusional. Still, he assumes it's some spirit sending him messages. He also tends to suspect others, he fights, and he suffers from paranoia.
    I'm trying to hang in there but it gets really tough. We live in Africa where access to medical care is limited and the stigmatization on mental illness is sad.
    How do I convince him he has this disease? How do I convince a 40+ year old man, a straight A student, a star rugby player in school, a lawyer etc. That he has mental illness and needs to seek help? He lost his job recently, he isn't on talking terms with is parents, he thinks the govt is out to get him, he thinks our neighbors are plotting to have him killed, etc. Oh dear!

  10. I see, I know how he must feel.

    Tell him you understand him the best and he should trust you when you say it. You known him one of the longest, aren't I right? He should believe you. You're his loving wife. Remind him you love him and you don't mean to hurt him. Tell him to google online the symptoms you believe he has. Tell him to see a doctor and have the doctor tell him. I hope everything goes well, if anything he can buy the e book I am reading that I talk about in my more recent posts. IT helps a lot to figure out what you have and how to deal with it and accept it!

  11. The really difficult thing about schizophrenia, is that within the family of a person who has the illness; trust erodes. Don't forget that your at an age that you should have you own money. If you can not work go on welfare or social security. Times are tough and If I wasn't that well off I would be concerned about who I was lending money to and how much no matter who the individual was.

    I suffer from auditory hallucinations. I smoke pot, I take dexedrine.

    Pot makes me feel more out going, the delusions and auditory hallucinations do not get worse, they do not get meaner. In fact they tend to fade away.

    Dexedrine helps me focus more, I gained weight and it seems to help me lose a couple of pounds. I do not have an increase in delusions.

    Your delusions stay the same, for me at least. Wanting to talk about it changes. And as soon as you start talking about it people start thinking you are becoming more delusional. I am living thinking the government is watching me through the fence. (I bought ammonium nitrate and a fuse 6 years back and it stemmed off an event that took place because I bought those two items). IT took me a long time to get used to it, but now I am fine and I feel somewhat safer(mixed feelings) Whether or not they are still there, I do not know.

    My "thought insertions" go away when smoking pot. I can do things and not worry about the voices. There is no noticeable increase in delusions. I am about back to myself before the schizophrenia began.

    I do not advise anyone taking the same route as me, as I feel I am better then most schizophrenics at handling their illness.

    But I am curious to know if anyone does have thought insertions whether or not pot makes them go away.

  12. i am schizophrenic and smoking pot helped me too. with thought insertions only. my views on topics stay the same though...